A Kindred Spirit
PART 1
Jim Kirk was enjoying the session in the gymnasium with his old friend, Gary Mitchell. They went through a variety of unarmed combat techniques and Kirk found that those moves he had learned from Spock worked a treat on someone who was unprepared for them.
Mitchell lay flat on his back, panting from the exertion. He was mortified that all the work he'd done with the ship's combat trainer had not prepared him for Jim's increased power. Mitchell used to be able to beat Jim but it was something he had been unable to do for years. Now, after Jim's exposure to Vulcan combat methods, it looked like an impossible task.
Kirk held out his hand. "Had enough?"
Mitchell nodded, took the outstretched hand, and allowed Jim to haul him to his feet. "You're too good," he said.
Kirk grinned. "I've a long way to go. Since my injuries, I've had to build up very slowly."
"I think you've recovered," Mitchell said, as he wiped the perspiration from his forehead. "I'm dead on my feet!"
Pleased with himself for defeating someone for a change, Kirk laughed at that comment. After dealing with Vulcan strength, he'd begun to feel like a weakling. It kept him humble though.
"Are you coming to shower?" Mitchell asked.
"No. Spock will be here soon." Kirk noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned. Spock stepped from the doorway. Kirk's face lit up. "How long have you been there?"
Spock wore his usual black practise clothes. "Five point five minutes, Captain."
Kirk grimaced. So caught up in the bout with Gary, he'd not been aware of Spock's presence. "I see. Then what's your opinion?"
"There is much to be improved upon, Captain. I will guide you."
Expecting a little bit of praise, Kirk allowed his irritation to show. He covered it quickly, but knew that the perceptive Vulcan, not to mention Gary, had seen it.
Mitchell waited in anticipation. Jim was annoyed and would give the Vulcan a taste of that volatile temper. He knew his friend and was closer to him than anyone else. He had known him for years not the few short months like the first officer. Kirk did not like criticism. Mitchell prepared to enjoy the Vulcan's discomfiture. It had been a long time coming.
To Mitchell's shock and disbelief, Kirk accepted Spock's words with resignation and said, "Show me."
Unable to believe what he had just witnessed, Mitchell draped a towel around his neck and sat down on a bench. Spock demonstrated some moves then Mitchell watched as, for several embarrassing minutes, Kirk argued certain points with the silent, unmoving Vulcan. Eventually, Spock answered. He picked faults in Kirk's stance, his moves, his falls, his very attitude, until Kirk conceded and followed instructions without question.
Amazed and perplexed by Kirk's behaviour, Mitchell leaned back against the wall and shook his head. He had never known Jim to commit himself to anything or anyone like he was doing now with this training. From his own experience against Kirk, he knew it was paying off too.
Lt Joran, the Enterprise official fitness trainer, sat beside him. "Mr Spock is more suited to my job than I am!"
Mitchell nodded. "He gives everyone an inferiority complex."
"I wonder if he'd show me some of those throws," Joran mused.
"I doubt it," Gary remarked.
"Rumour has it that you don't get on with Mr Spock," Joran said, bluntly.
Mitchell was embarrassed and didn't answer. It was only too true. Jim wanted him to get on better with the Vulcan but how was that possible? He had tried to approach the first officer but the Vulcan wouldn't permit personal contact, and his friendly overtures had been rebuffed. Also, Spock's alien-ness gave him the creeps and that upset Gary. He had learned to accept alien life-forms, or so he thought. If Jim suspected him of xeno-phobia, Mitchell shuddered at what his reaction would be.
A loud yell disturbed him. He looked up to see Jim go hurtling across the room. As Jim tumbled onto the mat, rolled over a few times, then lay still, his shoulders shaking, Gary jumped to his feet. "You Vulcan bastard," Gary hissed, under his breath as he rushed over to his friend and turned him over. "Jim, are you all right?"
The eyes that met his were sparkling with amusement. What Gary had thought to be tears of pain had been just the opposite. He sat back on his heels, unable to understand as Jim's incongruous high-pitched laughter rang out through the gymnasium.
Spock looked down at his captain, puzzled. Why was Kirk so amused? "Are you uninjured, sir?"
"I felt as if I was flying!" Kirk gasped, between laughs. "Hey, you threw me quite a distance."
"You should have been able to block such a throw, Captain. You are not concentrating."
That criticism stopped Kirk in his tracks. "Have you no mercy?"
Spock folded his arms across his chest. "If you wish me to go easy on you, sir, I will do so."
Kirk struggled to his knees. "Should I accept that offer?" he asked Mitchell.
"Sure, you should. What you're doing is dangerous."
Kirk shook his head. "No. My own foolishness makes it dangerous. I'm not applying myself to it properly." He staggered to his feet and was caught at both sides by his two friends. After a moment, Spock released his hold.
"I'm okay, Gary," Kirk said, brushing back the damp lock of hair that was sticking to his forehead. He looked at his instructor. "Spock, I've not been a very good pupil, today. I'm sorry."
"Indeed, you have not, Jim." His tone seemed to drip disapproval.
Mitchell was annoyed. Since when had the Vulcan had permission to use Jim's first name? It rankled him that his friend had - no doubt- requested that Spock address him that way.
"Spock, do you mind if we stop now?" Kirk asked. "I promise to do better tomorrow."
"If you wish, sir." He walked over to one of the exercise machines and began working.
Kirk chewed at his lip, knowing that he had displeased Spock despite the fact that the Vulcan showed no outward sign. He didn't like the feeling that he had disappointed his friend and that bothered him. Leaving Gary standing, he strode over to his first officer. "Spock, are you annoyed with me?" he asked.
The Vulcan continued with his exercises. "Annoyed, sir? Vulcans do not get annoyed. It is an emotion."
"I see. Then why do I feel that you disapprove of me stopping?"
"It is your decision to stop, sir."
"Do you want me to continue?"
Spock stopped his work-out. "On Vulcan, we are taught that once committed to a course of training we should not permit failure to be the cause of giving up. We should always make at least one more attempt to overcome that failure."
That was it, Mitchell knew. Jim would never stand for that! He'd never allow that kind of criticism. He would bawl the Vulcan out. But, to his shock, he saw Jim unable to meet the first officer's eyes. He seemed pensive, contrite, not exactly what Mitchell had expected.
Kirk reflected that he had known that when he and Spock had become friends, it would be quite different than what he was used to. What he hadn't bargained for was how much Spock's opinion mattered to him; especially in this. He braved Spock's gaze. "May we try again?"
The Vulcan studied him, once again, surprised by his reaction. Why had Kirk changed his mind? He could not understand him, but it was discourteous to refuse his request. "Very well, sir."
Kirk was grateful. "Thank you."
Both of them moved to the centre of the mat. "Allow yourself to relax," Spock advised. "Gather the power at your disposal and when I try to throw you, harness your strength and block it."
Kirk tried to follow those instructions and, to his amazement, it worked - almost. He landed on the ground but didn't mind for he sensed Spock's approval and that was more important.
Spock knelt by his side. "If you wish, I could show you certain Vulcan relaxation methods. I am sure you will be able to master them and they might be of some assistance with this."
"Would you?" Kirk sat up, delighted.
"It would be difficult, even more so than these physical exercises," the Vulcan warned.
"I'm willing to try, if you'll teach me, Spock."
"I will teach you, Jim."
Kirk smiled with real pleasure. "When do we start?"
"After you have showered."
"But... what about our meal?" Kirk was very hungry. He was looking forward to his dinner.
Spock tried to remain strict but the expression on Jim's face, made it quite difficult. He raised his brow and said nothing.
Kirk sighed. "We'll eat later," he said.
The privacy cubicle was the ideal place. These were set aside for meditation, religious observation or just the need to be alone. In the closed society of a starship, the rights of individuals to withdraw for a time, was respected by all. Except in an extreme emergency, no one would disturb them.
Spock eased into a cross-legged position on the floor. "Please sit, Captain," he said, indicating a place opposite him.
Kirk eyed the comfort of the low settee, sighed, then sat down on the floor.
"Breathe deeply, Captain, as you would do in any relaxation technique. You must then imagine a state of awareness that shuts out everything but that you wish included." Only weeks before, Spock had relieved Kirk's nausea and horror on the planet Athena two. At that time, he had entered into a state where only he and Spock existed, despite the death and nightmare around them. He mentioned that to the Vulcan.
"That is correct, Captain. However, I assisted you to reach that state. You must learn to do it for yourself."
"I'll try," Kirk said, "but I was never very good at any kind of meditation."
After another hour of guidance from Spock and fruitless attempts by Kirk, they had got no further forward. Angry with himself, Kirk paced the confines of the small room like a caged tiger. He tried to ignore his hunger pangs. This was not the time to think about food... but he'd not eaten for hours and he'd burned up a great deal of energy.
"Damn it. It's no good!" he muttered.
Spock watched him storm up and down, noting the flushed cheeks and restless pace. He dared not speak, unsure of what to say in the light of such an angry mood. His experience with such emotions was extremely limited.
Kirk stopped in front of him, saw his serenity, and that was the final straw. He exploded. "How the hell d'you stay so calm all the time? You always make me feel like some inferior being, like a child. Why are you always so damn perfect?" He swore, turned away, and stared out the observation port; fists clenched by his sides.
A sudden wave of insecurity hit Spock. How had he ever thought to have true friendship with this volatile human? He understood less and less now, how the bond had formed. Could he have been mistaken? No. That was impossible. There could be no mistake. Then the only answer possible was that he was to blame. He must always remember that Kirk was human not Vulcan. Kirk was everything a Vulcan was not. Quick tempered, impatient, changeable, impetuous, he...
"Spock." Kirk's voice was soft and contrite.
Spock looked up as the human knelt opposite him. "I'm sorry I blew my top. It's all my fault. You've been trying to help me. I've been hopeless today." He sat back on his heels and seemed to force himself to meet Spock's gaze. "I have tried, Spock. I just cannot meet your standards and I get so frustrated with myself. Do you understand that?"
His apologies were genuine and Spock's concerns about their friendship dissolved. He had to make further concessions to Jim's humanity and not judge him too harshly. He must adjust his teaching to Jim's particular abilities, only then would the results be seen.
"Spock, I will try harder. I promise you," Kirk said, worried about not seeing any response to his apology.
He hoped that he hadn't offended Spock. For all they'd exchanged vows of friendship, it was still so difficult to understand him. He was aware that in the combat training, Spock was very careful so as not to injure him. Even so, it was very difficult for Kirk. The Vulcan was immensely strong, and Kirk had to work his butt off for even the smallest victory of the discipline. Yet Spock was very patient with him; more than any instructor Kirk had ever worked with. Kirk was ashamed by his outburst. Spock didn't deserve that.
"If you try to the best of your ability, Captain, that is sufficient. I can ask no more." Kirk smiled but Spock continued, "However, you must not attempt the impossible. You must learn patience with yourself."
"I know. It's one of my worst faults," Kirk said, with an embarrassed chuckle.
"There is much time to learn."
"I know, but I want everything. Now!"
"That is illogical."
"Yes, I know, Spock."
Spock was fascinated by this human who was his friend. His inconsistencies, his complex, illogical behaviour, his eagerness to learn. He was a challenge to any Vulcan, particularly one who was half-human and had difficulty mastering his own human quirks.
"One day, it'll be my downfall," Kirk added, ruefully.
"No, Jim, for I shall be there with you to advise and assist."
Happiness swept Kirk at those words, and once again he gave thanks for the friendship of his enigmatic, alien first officer. "Thank you, Spock," he said.
The Vulcan felt Kirk's mood and barricaded himself against it. It was not easy to protect himself when Kirk was so physically close.
"I know you'll be with me," Kirk said. "That gives me a lot of confidence."
Spock acknowledged those words with a slight bow and, without consciously having made the decision, lifted his hand in the pair-fingered Vulcan salute.
Kirk was curious as to why Spock was doing this but as realisation struck, he touched his own fingertips to Spock's. He caught his breath as the tingle of contact crept through his hand and arm and, although he didn't know it, straight into his mind. A deep inner peace descended on him and he closed his eyes to better concentrate, aware that Spock was guiding him. He trusted himself to it and, within seconds, reached that heightened awareness where just the two of them existed. He drew strength from their unity and once, Spock had withdrawn the touch he was able to hold onto it himself for a short time.
He slowly focussed on his surroundings and saw that the Vulcan was pleased with him. "Thank you," he said. "That was amazing. I feel so relaxed." In fact, he felt almost languid. "It's like I've been asleep for hours."
"It is useful, if one has to go without sleep for a time," Spock said. "Now that you know what to aim for, Jim, you will learn how to enter into the state. It takes concentration and you must allow yourself time. Once you have mastered it, you may use it to marshal your powers. Only then will you be able to use it in a fight."
"I'll work at it, every moment I can" Kirk promised.
"Excellent. Now, it is time to eat. You are hungry."
"Food!" For a while, Kirk had forgotten about food, but the mention of it brought his hunger pangs back with full force. "I've been hungry for hours! You wouldn't let me eat!" He grinned, wondering how Spock would react to that remark.
"You are my captain," Spock responded. "If you choose to eat, I cannot stop you."
Kirk gave him a sceptical look. "You intimated - strongly- that I shouldn't eat before these relaxation exercises." He grinned a little. "I'm your student in this. I must obey my teacher."
"That is most laudable, Captain."
Kirk suddenly realised that Spock had taken him seriously. He had meant it but he'd been joking - a little. He mustn't forget that he was dealing with a Vulcan here and Spock didn't understand his sense of humour. He sighed and accepted the fact that he'd committed himself to the Tzunarr training. In that, he had to obey Spock or else he was only worked the harder. Occasionally, like today, he'd tried to initiate his own ideas, but Spock would just treat him like a badly behaved schoolboy. There and then, Kirk decided not to question a discipline where Spock was the expert, not he. And - he must do the same in the relaxation exercises.
It was not in his nature, to blindly obey another. He always had questioned his teachers, his superiors, and that had helped his career. It had even saved his life on occasion. He made a promise to himself. He would restrain himself during both these disciplines. He trusted Spock and he must learn to give himself to that trust. He had already done it, and had not found it difficult. He could manage it again.
"I mean it, Spock. If I fail to do as I'm told, you must remind me that I must. That's an order."
Spock was a little unnerved by the captain's odd mood. "Very well, sir."
Kirk smiled and stood up. "Okay. Let's go eat."
Spock rose. He had not the same need for sustenance but he would accompany his human friend, as was now his custom.
"I feel much better, Spock," Kirk said. "I could eat a horse!"
"Why would you wish to eat such an intelligent and beautiful creature, Captain?" Spock was quite shocked. "I was unaware that the horse was used for meat..."
"Spock, it's only an expression. Humans don't eat horses nowadays. It only means that I'm very hungry. Aw, forget it..."
"Vulcans do not forget anything," Spock replied, as they left the cubicle.
Kirk stopped and stared at him. "You remember everything!"
"I have total recall, sir."
As they made their way to the rec-room, Kirk reflected on the benefits and curse of having such a gift. He hoped that he'd not said anything offensive to Spock. He was not proud of his initial reaction to Spock when he had wanted Gary as first officer and had resented the Vulcan. That had certainly changed...
***
Lee Kelso had served with Kirk and Mitchell on their last ship. He was now -temporarily - helm officer while Lt Sulu worked on an assignment in the botany lab. He was sitting with Mitchell in the main rec-room and they were talking about old times. Mitchell was pleased at Lee's promotion, preferring him to the exuberant Sulu.
As Kirk and Spock entered the room, Mitchell wondered what esoteric Vulcan meditation techniques, Jim had been learning. He certainly was relaxed, animated and full of confidence.
"It's the talk of the ship," Lee remarked.
"What?"
The captain and Mr Spock."
"What Lee?" Gary was puzzled, not to mention irritated.
"The Vulcan allowing a human to be his friend. He's been on this ship for more than eleven years and in all that time he was remote, lived for his work. Jim Kirk comes along and suddenly..."
"It wasn't sudden," Gary disagreed. "Mr Spock saved Jim's life on Athena. Something happened there that was so meaningful, so personal, that it's bound them together in some way. Jim can't or won't tell me what it was."
Kelso half-smiled. "Your jealousy is showing, Gary."
Mitchell gave a start, glared at Kelso, and denied, "I'm not jealous. Don't be ridiculous!"
"C'mon, you've always guided Jim, over the years, maybe more than he realised. He used to be such an innocent."
"He was." Mitchell chuckled as he remembered Jim as a boy at the academy.
"He's always been loyal to you, Gary. He'd never put anyone in your place."
Mitchell wondered about that as he noted how intent their conversation was. How could Jim not flinch from the Vulcan's stare? "You think so?"
Kelso followed his gaze. "Mr Spock is his first officer. Having his loyalty and friendship is really something. As Vulcans don't normally enter into any such relationships with humans, Jim is intrigued by the uniqueness of it. He'll settle down and you and he will return to your old familiar ways." He leaned forward, and added with a touch of malice, "He'll forget he was disappointed in you."
Mitchell glared at him but didn't answer. He recalled, only too clearly, how he had let Jim down; how he had angered him. Over the years, he and Jim had been so close. Jim had always turned to him for advice, leaning on him as a friend should when burdened by problems and difficult decisions. Gary had always recognised and accepted Jim's command - but only as long as his own input was acknowledged. Since Jim had grown in maturity he had relied on Gary less, yet he had still listened and considered his opinion valuable. All that had changed now. Mitchell had, with his recent prejudiced outbursts during an alien encounter along with insubordination, all but destroyed Jim's faith in him.
Kirk had the Vulcan science officer to depend on now. An officer of genius, whom he respected and admired and trusted in a manner that went deeper than he had ever known with anyone - even Gary.
Mitchell sipped his coffee and tried not to watch the pair as they sat talking, but once he caught Jim's eyes and got a smile of recognition. He smiled back and was about to go over but Kirk's attention returned to Spock, fully captured by something Spock was saying. Mitchell chewed his lip as he drummed his fingertips on the table in an angry beat.
"You're acting like a jealous lover," Kelso said, with a grin.
Mitchell flushed. "Shut up. That isn't funny."
"Okay, okay," Kelso protested. "I didn't mean it."
Sometimes, Kelso did wonder if ever, in their long friendship, Kirk and Mitchell had been lovers. Their relationship had always been very close. In Starfleet, people formed very strong interpersonal bonds, physical or not, for they shared great dangers, and lived so closely confined. Many studies had shown that close relationships amongst the crew meant happier and more efficient ships. Married couples often served together, as well as group marriages that covered all variations of gender and species. Loving relationships of any kind were encouraged and valued.
Kirk didn't form liaisons with anyone in his crew. It was expected from starship captains and it had been a personal rule of Kirk's for many years. Kelso liked and respected Kirk and, like every member of his crew, was intensely loyal to him. Regardless of what kind of relationship Kirk and Gary had, it was obvious that there had been a cooling on the captain's part and Gary was very unhappy about it. As Kirk's laughter suddenly rung out, Kelso noted the tightening of Gary's mouth.
Although Spock's expression hardly seemed to have changed, Kirk noticed he was more relaxed around him. Some of Spock's austerity and stiffness had gone and Kirk was pleased to see it. Kirk knew himself to be responsible for it for Spock enjoyed his company. Yet, he knew that his unpredictable moods must vex the Vulcan at times. He resolved not to put Spock through anything like what had happened that day again, especially as Spock had been generous enough to accept his apology and had gone so far as to help him achieve that deep state of relaxation. He wondered why the Vulcan had done it.
"Hi, Jim," Mitchell's voice intruded on his thoughts.
Kirk looked up. "Hi. Will you join us?"
Mitchell needed no further encouragement, and sat at Kirk's side. "You're eating late."
"My teacher is very strict with me. He wouldn't let me eat until now." He grinned at Spock.
"Really, Captain," Spock began.
"I'm joking, Spock," Kirk said, patiently.
"That is a human aberration that is completely incomprehensible to me."
Kirk grimaced. "I'm not sure I'd call it an aberration, but you need to learn to understand it." He paused then grinned a little. "I was only half-joking. You are strict with me."
"As you are but human I shall attempt to make allowances for you, if you wish."
Kirk swallowed his indignation at that remark but he flushed.
Mitchell covered a grin. Friendship with the tactless Vulcan! It wouldn't last. With anticipation, he waited for the outraged response.
Kirk knew what Gary was thinking, and took a calming breath. He was not going to give his old friend the satisfaction, nor was he going to lose his temper at Spock despite the Vulcan's bluntness. "No, Spock. I want you to continue in the way you are. You know my strengths and weaknesses now. Mainly my weaknesses... I'm placing myself in your hands and will abide by your decisions. "
"I am honoured, sir," Spock replied, with an inclination of his head.
Mitchell couldn't hide his amazement. "Jim, I don't approve of the risks you're taking. Mr Spock is much stronger than you are."
Kirk stared at him with such open annoyance that Gary could not look him in the eye. "Since when have I needed your approval?"
"I... I... Jim," Mitchell stammered. He was flustered and embarrassed by Kirk's words. To his further amazement, it was the Vulcan who spoke next.
"I assure you, Mr Mitchell, that I know what I am doing and will not cause the captain any injury. Your concern for Captain Kirk is laudable, but you must remember that he has honoured me with his friendship. Would you cause him harm? I am not human, however to Vulcans friendship is valued highly. Jim's health and well-being are of the utmost importance to me. If training him in advanced Vulcan disciplines will assist him in his duties as captain then I am bound to give him that training. In accepting his friendship, I have taken on these responsibilities to him. I shall not shirk them."
Kirk was as amazed as Mitchell at those words. Happiness spread through him and he sat back with a sigh. "Thank you, Spock."
"If it means that my captain has to forego his meal for several hours then he will just have to accept it," Spock added.
Kirk grinned broadly. Was Spock learning to joke? No...He was being deadly serious. "I'll accept it. I promise."
"I'm not questioning your friendship with Jim, sir," Mitchell said. "Jim and I have been friends for a long time. I first met him when he was a sixteen year old at the academy. I've felt responsible for him too. I don't mean to offend you, it's just that if you care about someone..." He looked at Kirk. "You worry, that's all."
A lump formed in Kirk's throat at that admission. He grabbed his friend behind the neck and shook him a little. "I could tell you tales about this old friend of mine, Spock."
"That would be most interesting, Captain," Spock replied.
Mitchell flushed, "Jim..." but he relaxed when Kirk put an arm around his shoulder.
"On Starbase three we..."
"Jim" Not that one!" He started to laugh.
A mischievous grin covered Kirk's face as he proceeded to tell Spock a strange tale about Orion dancers and Mitchell that made no sense at all. Both Kirk and Mitchell laughed much of the time, making the story even more incomprehensible. Spock listened in silence, because it would have been ill-mannered not to, watching curiously as their laughter became almost hysterical by the time the end of the story was reached.
In some strange way though, Spock was pleased. Kirk seemed to be reconciled to Mitchell now and, Spock believed that he had been instrumental in healing the breach between them. He had often been painfully aware of Kirk's need for his friendship with Mitchell and now he had seen that the other man's need was even more acute. Not for the first time, he wondered at the illogical, emotional requirements of humans.
"That's an example of the kind of guy, Gary is, Spock," Kirk said.
"I can assure you, sir, that I - a Vulcan - would never get into such a predicament," he said, primly.
Kirk burst out laughing. "I'm sure you wouldn't."
"Mr Spock is much too sensible, Jim," Gary added.
"You are a trifle impetuous and irresponsible, Mr Mitchell," Spock said, "but you are most perceptive."
Mitchell almost choked. Kirk was still laughing and, with sudden insight, Mitchell caught a glimpse of what Jim saw in this Vulcan. He knew also, that Spock had contributed to the present good feeling between himself and Jim. His respect for the first officer grew. "Thank you, sir. I think..."
Delighted that Mitchell was showing Spock respect, Kirk patted him on the back. Gary rarely showed anyone any respect - and that included admirals of the fleet - well there was a lot to respect in his first officer.
"Has Captain Kirk always been so quick-tempered?" Spock, suddenly, asked.
Kirk was shocked by the question, asked so openly, in his presence.
"Oh yeah, he's always been that way. I don't believe I've ever seen him lose his temper with you, sir."
"He has," Spock commented.
Suddenly aware that he was sitting there with his mouth open, Kirk pursed his lips and swallowed his embarrassment. Gary was teasing him, but what was Spock up to? Was he teasing as well? No. he had only been requesting information.
"I can't tell you how often he's lost his temper with me," Mitchell went on. "The most serious times were recently. I deserved it and more, I guess. He reduced me to a quivering wreck, desperate for his forgiveness." He looked down in embarrassment.
"If you have done someone a wrong, Mr Mitchell, and if that person is your friend, then it is not shameful to ask his pardon. It is your obligation to do so, for your sake and his." Both men stared at him, then at each other. "The past should be placed aside now, and there should be no further recriminations. It is only hurting both of you."
"Spock!" Kirk was amazed. "I thought you didn't understand human feelings."
"I observe, Captain and we have 'touched' in the Vulcan way. I have sensed your pain at being estranged from Mr Mitchell." Spock turned his attention to the navigator. "You must end your immature and pointless jealousy of me. My friendship with Jim has its roots deep in Vulcan tradition. It is quite different in that it is not based on emotion, as undoubtedly is the basis of your enduring friendship with the captain. Please understand that."
Mitchell was even more embarrassed and his colour deepened. Kirk felt sorry for his friend, for Spock who was plainly spoken and honest to a fault didn't realise how much his observations could upset humans. He half-hugged his red-faced friend and ruffled his hair, happier now that he was able to communicate with Gary, and better able to forget his past failings.
He met Spock's unreadable eyes, and wondered at the Vulcan's generosity. No human would have thought to reconcile them quite like this. He smiled at the Vulcan and noticed a slight change in his expression. Maybe Spock thought that their friendship was not based on emotion, maybe it wasn't on his part, but for himself it was founded on an ever-growing affection. What would the 'emotionless' Vulcan do if he realised that? Yet, surely he must know that Kirk was very human and knew no other kind of friendship.
After a short time, when the conversation between the two men became almost rowdy, Spock decided to leave. The situation was not conducive to his quiet, reserved nature. "If you will excuse me," he said, about to rise.
Kirk became instantly alert. "You're off duty, aren't you?"
"Affirmative."
"Then join us in my quarters, Spock."
Spock sighed inwardly. He had helped in their reconciliation but had no further wish to take part in whatever idiosyncratic human behaviour they were about to indulge in. "There is research that I must attend to, sir."
"Don't you ever relax?"
"I have been relaxing, Captain," Spock protested.
As Kirk persuaded the Vulcan to accompany them, Gary reflected that Kirk could charm the birds from the trees if he wanted to. As they left the room, he almost bumped into Spock who was courteously allowing Jim to precede him. By the time they had reached Kirk's quarters, Gary had learned to wait until Kirk and Spock had gone through every doorway, before following. It was correct procedure but all these years, Kirk had not insisted on it. Spock had tightened the military protocols on this ship but perhaps it was simply the natural courtesy of his heritage. Sitting in his cabin, sipping some brandy, Kirk asked Spock about his research.
"It relates to T'Para's theory of alternate universes," Spock replied, remembering other times and keeping it simple.
"Oh, that's interesting, " Kirk said. "Would you care to explain it?"
Spock was surprised that Kirk should be interested in such a complex theory; Captain Pike had left anything remotely scientific alone. Spock was beginning to realise that Kirk was no ordinary starship commander. "If you wish it," he replied. "May I use your terminal?"
Kirk indicated that he could, and leaned forward to listen to Spock's lecture and to watch the graphics and equations unfold. After a few minutes he was lost, and looked at Gary in confusion. Mitchell only laughed at him and Kirk grimaced.
"Spock, I'm sorry, but I don't understand this at all." He swallowed as the intense Vulcan gaze turned on him. "I'm not a scientific specialist. I have to rely on you and your department for that."
"Indeed, Captain. It is one of our functions however..."
"Yes, Spock?" Kirk wondered why the first officer hesitated when he had been so forthright before.
Spock checked there was no anger in Kirk's expression then went straight to the point. "It is my opinion that command training does not include sufficient grounding in scientific matters. You cannot always rely on one of my scientists to be with you and perhaps..." He trailed off at Kirk's bemused gaze.
"Spock, you want to train me in something else, don't you?" Kirk scratched his head. "You're a tough taskmaster, you know."
Spock had difficulty in maintaining his composure when he saw Kirk's put-upon expression. "Sir, I do not wish to burden you with too much."
"I think you do," he said, with a grin. "You're right, though, but I don't want to suffer alone. There's a lot more I - and many others -should learn and who better to teach us." He slammed his fist on the desk, wondering why he hadn't thought about it before. "Spock, why don't you set up a series of lectures on subjects you believe of practical use, and of interest to the crew. Make them basic at first; you don't want to lose us. They could be broadcast through the ship and recorded for reference."
Spock was confused by one of Kirk's comments. "Suffer alone, sir?"
Mitchell almost choked on his drink and Kirk reminded himself to restrain his sometimes odd sense of humour around the Vulcan. "A joke," he tried to explain. "A lame one, I'm afraid."
"I see," Spock said, not seeing at all.
"Will you do it?" Kirk asked.
"You will attend," Spock said, his tone indicating that it was a strong request.
"Sure. Gary and I will both attend." Mitchell started to protest but obviously thought better of it. Kirk knew that Gary hated lectures, but he would go to the first one, at least. "Won't we?"
"Very well, Captain," Spock said. "I will prepare a lecture on the theory of multiple universes."
"Remember to keep it simple," Kirk said, mindful of his earlier incomprehension.
"Yes, sir. Now if you will excuse me, I shall work on how to simplify it enough for humans to understand."
Kirk's eyes widened and Mitchell did choke on his drink, this time. That was it, Mitchell knew. Jim was really going to explode this time! All the signs were there; flushed cheeks, outraged expression, the working of his mouth. Mitchell sat back, prepared to enjoy this. Kirk would never be able to hold onto his temper now.
Kirk bit back his retort, with great strength of will. He forced his annoyance away for Spock had not intended offence. He had been blunt, as was his way. He would have to simplify it for a human like Kirk to understand. Grinning at Mitchell, Kirk stood, then walked Spock to the door. He had enjoyed Gary's expression of disbelief.
"Spock, there's a great deal you can teach me." Kirk stopped Spock from leaving with those words. "I hope to be able to repay you some day. Maybe you'll want to learn something from me."
"There is much I wish to learn from you, sir," the Vulcan said.
Kirk was intrigued by that statement. "Like what?"
"How to command humans," came the startling reply.
"You know how to command humans," Kirk reassured.
"No, sir. I do not understand my human crew-mates. It is difficult to command those, whose behaviour is illogical. At times, I antagonise them. They do not wish to accept an order when they cannot follow the reasoning behind it. I had grave reservations when offered the position of first officer. I still do. I am trained as a scientist, not a command officer."
Kirk felt a wave of sympathy for him; a lone Vulcan on a ship full of emotional, illogical humans. How did Spock cope? He was so honest and forthright and had not yet learned how to be diplomatic when dealing with humans. It was hard enough for a human to command other humans then how much more difficult it would be for a Vulcan. Kirk recalled how he, only hours before, had questioned Spock over Tzunarr, the combat training, and had flared up when unable to master the relaxation techniques.
"Spock, you've taken the required command courses. I have every confidence in you, and your ability as first officer." Kirk wondered how to reassure the Vulcan. "I will help you all that I can. Be patient with the crew and with me. We humans question everything. We argue, debate, fight, and never accept orders with ease. Other species find us hard to deal with, I know. Spock, we're learning. Please believe that."
Kirk placed a hand on the Vulcan's shoulder. "You're highly respected on the Enterprise. You are an enormous asset to me, personally. I rely on you, Spock. Your support is essential to me."
"Thank you, sir," Spock said, something like admiration showing in his eyes. The Vulcan bowed his head, as if to cover it, but Kirk was certain that he had not been mistaken.
Kirk squeezed the Vulcan's thin shoulder. "Goodnight, my friend," he said.
"Goodnight, Jim," Spock said, and there seemed to be a warmth in his expression.
Kirk stared after him thoughtfully, as he left, then returned to his seat and stretched out. Mitchell didn't speak and they sat in the companionable silence of old friends.
Eventually Kirk spoke. "Like all of us, Spock is insecure. That's something I hadn't realised until a little while ago. I hadn't thought he'd have doubts about cutting it as first officer. He's always so calm and efficient. I knew that it must be hard for him to deal with humans but not the scope of it."
Kirk had never worked out why he had so actively, and almost desperately, gone out of his way to win the Vulcan's friendship. All he knew was that it was vital to him. "Can you understand now, how lucky I am to have his loyalty and his friendship?"
Mitchell shrugged. "He sure is unusual, Jim. If you'd only tell me what happened on Athena, maybe I'd understand better. Hell, I can see his worth. I know he tried to heal the breach between us. He's special to you, for why else would you trust him the way you do with no thought for your safety or..." He waited, hoping that Jim would confide in him again.
"I'm sorry, Gary. Its very personal." Kirk leaned forward, eyes fixed on Mitchell's face. "I can only tell you that he saved my life, my sanity, in a way that is so amazing. It's forged us together in some way and is a life-time bond. It's as if..." He stopped, as it suddenly dawned on him. "It's as if he really is - in some inexplicable way - my brother." He smiled. It was true.
"C'mon, Jim. He's an alien!" Mitchell mocked.
"Alien? Yes and no. That's what makes it all so interesting." He sat back, and clasped his hands behind his head. "He allows me to touch him now. He always drew away before. He never allows anyone else that particular privilege."
"I think he's contaminated you" Mitchell sneered. "You're so much The Captain now."
"I'm still the same Jim Kirk, but I must be The Captain in all matters pertaining to my ship and crew. Is it so hard for you to give me the respect due to your commanding officer?"
"No, Jim," Gary said. "It just takes some getting used to."
Kirk stood and paced about his cabin. Why did Gary always make life so complicated for him. He stopped in front of his friend. "You've been on board long enough. Why can't you get used to it? I've been your commander before."
Mitchell rose to his feet. "Not like this, Jim. Not with this kind of power. Starship command..."
"Why does it make a difference?" Kirk demanded.
"I don't know but it does. This command has changed you."
"Yes, it has," Kirk admitted. "I must face my responsibilities. I can't let down those who sponsored me; the youngest ever starship captain." In a flash of insight it all became clear. "That's why they gave me a Vulcan first officer! He's a cautious, logical balance for a young, perhaps impetuous human in his first starship command. It was also an experiment in inter-species co-operation. I bet they didn't think it would take off the way it has, with Spock becoming my friend..."
When Admiral Nogura had informed him that Spock, instead of Gary, was to be his first officer, he had not been pleased. It wasn't due to personal dislike of Vulcans, for Kirk had never been prejudiced, but it was simply that he had wanted his best friend in the job. It had taken some time for him to appreciate Spock, and he now knew it had been equally hard for Spock to accept him. How reluctantly, Spock had entered into their friendship; almost against his will. Now, Kirk knew that it was the most intriguing relationship he had ever been in and he was enjoying every minute of it. Well, almost every minute of it... He rubbed at his most recent wrench; the result of today's exercises.
"The Federation prides itself on the friendship of all races yet all Vulcans in Starfleet, except Spock, opted to serve on all-Vulcan ships. Why is that? Could it be that being telepaths they can't stand our open emotional outbursts? Look what I put Spock through! Yet, we still forged a bond of friendship, something no-one could have predicted."
Mitchell was angry with Kirk for constantly bringing up his friendship with Spock, yet he wouldn't explain the nature of it. His own relationship with Jim would never be the same again, for the Vulcan was now in the way. Kirk's trust and reliance in an alien had changed him and he would never rely on Gary, as he had done in the past.
Kirk must have sensed some of Mitchell's mood for he held out his hand and said, "I'm glad that things have improved between us, Gary."
Mitchell sneered. "You don't need me anymore. You can debate the latest scientific theories with your science officer buddy."
"Don't take that attitude, Gary," Kirk said.
"What attitude. My oldest friend - some friend - treats me like dirt once he's entered into his mystical bond with his alien friend." His voice dripped contempt and bitterness.
Furious with Gary for taking that tone with him, Kirk flared up in anger. "You may leave, Mister."
"Yeah, off this ship," Mitchell yelled.
"Oh, you want transferred?" Kirk retaliated. "That's fine with me. I'll arrange it right now." He touched his console. "Computer."
"Working," answered the metallic female voice of the Enterprise computer.
"Transfer file."
"Transfer file prepared."
Mitchell was staring at Kirk in horror. "Jim..."
"Lt Commander Gary..."
"JIM!" Mitchell lurched forward to grab his arm. "Jim, please, don't."
"Changed your mind, Mitchell?" Kirk asked, coldly. "I've not."
Mitchell released a shaky breath. How was he to deal with this strange and tougher Jim Kirk? He hated himself for bringing on this new crisis and for his own weakness at conceding so much to him. Yet... In some perverse way he felt an odd thrill go through him. He clutched Jim's arm and put his other hand on his friend's shoulder. "Please, Jim. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
Kirk stood unmoving. "Didn't you?"
Mitchell met his eyes. "Maybe at the time. It was anger and jealousy talking. I couldn't help myself. I can't help how I feel about you, Jim. I thought I'd got over it but recently it's returned full force! I'm sorry, Jim. I try not to be such a fool and so jealous but until recently, I was the one closest to you." He looked down, unable to take the other man's disappointment.
Kirk's anger seemed to dissolve, and he shook Gary by the shoulders. "I'm not your possession. I never was. Maybe there were times you thought I was. It could be that I leaned on you too much at times. You must let go, Gary. It's not healthy for either of us."
"I know," Gary said, in a pained whisper.
Faced with the other man's pain, Kirk didn't know what else to say. Whatever he said would hurt him. He chose his words carefully. "I'm sorry that this has reared again. I told you years ago that I can't be what you want me to be. I cannot and will not enter into a sexual relationship with you. It's not in my nature to love another man in that way. It's not the kind of love I have for you, Gary, and never will be. You know that."
Mitchell let out a sob and was reassuringly pulled into Kirk's arms. He hugged his friend, relieved at the understanding he showed. Who else would be so forgiving? Who else would still accept him as a friend? Mitchell knew that he was privileged to be Kirk's friend, and it had taken the Vulcan to make him realise it. After a few seconds he stood back and as he and Kirk looked at one another, their academy days came flooding back.
At sixteen years old, Kirk was the youngest student to gain admission to Starfleet academy. As was the usual practise, he was placed in the charge of an older student. This turned out to be a popular seventeen year old Gary Mitchell, who having failed his first year examinations, was repeating the year.
They shared a room and the two boys hit it off from the start. Jim Kirk was handsome, almost pretty, in his youthful way and he was eager to please, innocent, studious and shy. That made him a strange and attractive mix to the brash Gary Mitchell. Jim soon began to look up to Gary who, seemed to him, to be self-assured, daring and a big brother figure. His regard for Gary increased when rescued by him from a beating by Finnegan, an upperclassman who delighted in picking on the slightly built Kirk.
Several weeks into the semester, Mitchell returned drunk from a party to find Jim sprawled out naked and asleep. Unable to stop himself, he threw off his clothes and lay beside the younger boy, giving into feelings that he'd been trying to suppress from the moment he had seen Jim.
Jim woke with a start, fear and horror engulfing him on realising that he was being kissed and fondled by his room-mate. He struggled but Mitchell was taller and stronger and easily held him down. He hadn't yet the skill to throw Mitchell off and knew himself to be helpless. He fought down his panic enough to speak and pleaded as he had never done in his life before.
In his drunken state, Gary didn't understand him and continued in his attempts to arouse the young boy. When there was no response, he decided that he didn't care and would take what he wanted. He looked into Jim's tear-stained face and unbearable desire overcame him. He wanted Jim, now.
Jim continued to plead and something his desperation touched Gary. He tried to clear his head, and this time, the boy's words were understandable. Taking pity on him, Gary rolled back, released him and Jim rolled up into a foetal position and cried into his pillow. Sobering up a little, Gary tentatively apologised to the boy, went to his own bed and lay down. Full of self-recrimination but still aroused, he was unable to sleep. He didn't go near Jim again.
After a while, Jim's sobs ceased. He lay awake for the rest of the night but in the early hours he rose, made some coffee and brought Gary a cup. Gary was amazed by this but accepted the offering.
Jim gathered his courage and, gazing at him with large, apprehensive hazel eyes, thanked Gary for not doing what he had so obviously wanted to. Gary felt a wave of affection for him that was dizzying in its intensity. He apologised again, and from that moment on they became firm friends.
Gary had never again attempted anything, but once he had asked. With a tact beyond his years, Jim had refused and continued to trust him as a friend. Finally, Gary had accepted that he would never have Jim as his lover and, to his surprise, was content to be his friend. The younger boy became the brother he had never known, and he was fiercely protective of him.
Kirk, however, was determined never to be as helpless again. He worked long hours building muscle and strength. He tried every sport and fitness regime and by the time he graduated there was no-one able to beat him in combat. He exuded self confidence and a powerful masculinity that made him very attractive to women. By the time he had become captain of his starship, he was used to being the winner in all tests of strength. Until, that is, he met superior, alien power in the person of his Vulcan first officer.
From the beginning, that had not scared him. Kirk, who had always yearned for someone to completely understand him, sensed a kindred spirit in Spock. His bond with Spock, already much deeper than his years long friendship with Gary, was a wonder. Their spiritual joinings had entered into the deepest part of him and he knew, with complete surety, that he trusted Spock implicitly. The Vulcan could probably break him in half, but Kirk knew that he would never do such a thing.
But - there was more to their friendship. Spock, still so reticent and wary of an emotional human like Kirk, was not giving anything away. One day, though, they would understand one another in a unique way. Kirk had tasted it, when he had lain bleeding, injured, in the Vulcan's arms and had absorbed his healing power; and when they had 'touched' in the bond of friendship. Kirk would be patient. He was thankful for all that had been gained but one day...
Kirk pushed Gary away. "We're both grown men now. I'm not the pretty kid I once was."
"You're more attractive than ever, Jim," Mitchell said, with a grin.
Kirk couldn't help but laugh. "Am I? Well, it doesn't matter. Nothing has changed."
"I know, Jim. Guess I've got a big mouth, but you always were my weak spot."
"Gary, you could have anyone you wanted," Kirk said.
"Except you." Gary's voice was rough with emotion.
"You've got me as your friend," Kirk reassured him.
"I'm grateful for that, Jim."
"Just don't pressurise me," Kirk said. "I'm not responsible for your hang-ups over me. I'm disappointed, for I thought you'd got over me years ago."
Gary was embarrassed and could not understand what had been happening to him recently. He had been reconciled to the situation with Jim a long time ago; or so he had believed. Had he been fooling himself all along? "So did I, Jim," he said. " I guess it must be this aura of power around you now and this... this strange attachment you have to Mr Spock."
Kirk shook him again. "I can assure you that I won't be entering into a sexual relationship with him."
They both burst out laughing at the thought, and Mitchell's embarrassment fizzled out. "Do Vulcans even have sex?" he asked. "They have no passion."
Kirk shrugged. He wasn't going to get involved in frivolous discussion; he had to make Gary understand once and for all. "Look how he tried to reconcile us. He's no threat to our friendship. I'm just so tired of the constant bickering between us and its got to stop. I need to be sure of your support, just the way I am of Spock's. He's cool and efficient and I admire him deeply. My old buddy, Gary Mitchell, used to be something like that in his own human way."
Mitchell knew that Kirk was right. Somewhere along the line he had strayed and hadn't been there for Jim as he should have. The Vulcan had taken his place.
Kirk sat down. "Why me?" he asked suddenly. "You've never been one for boys or men."
Gary sat on the edge of the desk. "Human sexuality is the oddest thing. I've always loved women. You're the only male I've ever been attracted to." He grinned a little impishly. "I guess it must be some deeply repressed homosexual leanings. I'm just lucky that, even after what I did to you and even knowing how I felt, you still gave me your friendship." He met Kirk's eyes. "Mr Spock is quite right. It is a privilege to be your friend."
Kirk leaned over. "Gary, you could have forced a young, defenceless boy and you didn't. You had the compassion and decency of a civilised human being. If you had gone through with it, I'd never have got over it. My life would have been ruined. Listen, I do care about you and if it had been in my nature, I'd probably have been your lover. As it is, I've given you all I can give and you have to accept that."
"I do, Jim. With gratitude."
"I don't avoid your touch nor am I afraid of you. That happened only once; that night when you held me down. Ever since you took pity on me, I've trusted you and we've been close friends; good friends."
Mitchell swallowed. "You're too damn noble, Jim. Just like your Vulcan. You make the perfect team."
A little embarrassed, Jim smiled, then chuckled. There was an element of truth in those words. Playfully, he hauled Mitchell from his perch who losing his balance, landed on his knees on the floor.
He stared up at Kirk. "See how I worship at your feet."
"Stop joking." Kirk frowned.
"I'm not joking. I'd do it, if you'd allow me." Mitchell was deadly serious.
Kirk couldn't believe this was happening. "Stand up," he demanded.
Mitchell caught hold of his hand and pressed a passionate kiss on it.
Kirk stiffened with distaste. "Gary," he warned, but before he could pull his hand away, a second kiss followed the first.
Kirk jerked his hand away. "Perhaps you should transfer off my ship," he almost yelled.
Mitchell stared at him with eyes filled with confusion and desire. "Please... I'm sorry, Jim." His voice was full of remorse.
Trying to overcome his agitation, Kirk spoke in a gentle tone. "All right, but get out of here. Now."
Mitchell nodded and beat a hasty retreat.
His thoughts in a turmoil and unable to settle, Kirk paced the floor. Why had all this happened after so long? What was wrong with Gary? He forced himself to lie down and deep breathe. Recalling Spock's instructions, he set himself the task of achieving the wonderful sense of peace he had attained before. After a while he knew it was impossible. He was becoming more agitated than ever. He couldn't rest. He needed help. He needed Spock's help.
Despite the lateness of the hour he made his way to the Vulcan's cabin, knowing that he would not have retired yet. "May I come in?" he asked.
Spock, sitting at his desk, stood up. "Of course, sir. How may I help you."
"Am I disturbing you?" Kirk walked over to him; anxious now.
"Yes, Captain. I am preparing my lecture. It is a difficult task," Spock answered, in his usual truthful way.
"Can it wait for a while?"
"Indeed, sir."
"Jim. Please call me Jim."
Spock was well aware of Kirk's emotions. They assaulted him in powerful waves. He wondered what was wrong. "Jim, how may I assist you?"
Kirk released a shaky breath. "I don't know. I just couldn't bear being alone. I needed... the calmness of your presence." Relief hit him as he verbalised his feelings for he had been unable to formulate it before.
Spock raised an eyebrow. This human never failed to surprise him. He indicated a chair. "Please be seated, Jim." Once that was done, Spock sat down, clasped his hands on the desk and waited.
"I can't find any peace." Kirk's eyes showed the strain he was under. "You helped me before. Will you do so again?"
For a split second, Spock considered chiding him for not applying himself to the discipline but something close to pity forced the words to remain unsaid. He nodded and held out his hand. At once, Kirk touched his fingertips and, with surprising ease, slipped into the meditative state. A part of Spock watched, detached, as the human threw himself into the fraternal binding he barely understood. Another part caught the overlap of the whole scene with Mitchell. Spock was shocked by Mitchell's behaviour, and consternated by the intricacies of their relationship. What startled him the most though, was Jim's need for his company, his advice, his help. Was this what was meant by the bond of t'hy'la? Or was it Jim's human need for the help and guidance of one who was stronger? Was he sensing Jim's need for affection as well? Something he was unable to give... There was no-one to ask. He must try and trust his own instincts; an area where he had, in the past, always found conflict between his human and Vulcan sides.
He concentrated on Kirk, keeping a light contact with him, until sure that his friend was at the correct level of relaxation before he gently drew away. The human was so receptive to him now. Spock could have slipped into mind-link with him but resisted it. It would have been the normal Vulcan response but to a non-telepath it would be a violation just as serious as the physical one, once contemplated by Mitchell.
He waited. After two minutes and twenty one seconds, Kirk's eyes opened and they were calm and clear. The human's face lit up into a radiant smile and Spock had to barricade himself against the sheer happiness coming at him in waves. "I trust you are feeling better, Jim," he said.
"Yes, Spock. I feel great. Thank you, my friend."
"You honour me, sir."
"You calm my soul," Kirk said. "Believe me, that is not easy."
"It is my privilege to do so, Jim."
Kirk stared at him. "You're different from anyone I've ever met."
"Each individual is unique," Spock answered.
"True, but your qualities are very unusual."
The Vulcan did not know how to answer him. He had never permitted himself to become so close to anyone before. He had been unable to prevent it. Kirk, without the aid of telepathy, could read him in a way no other had ever done. It was disconcerting and disturbing, to one who had spent so many years alone.
"What's your opinion of Gary," Kirk asked, suddenly.
Spock was startled by the change of subject. "He is a capable officer but his flippancy, irresponsibility and arrogance are faults that need to be addressed. As he is your friend, it is logical to assume that you are aware of these weaknesses."
"Yes, I know them." Kirk sighed. "I thought he was straightened out. Now, I'm not so sure. He worries me."
"He is learning discipline. I constantly remind him of his duty."
Kirk grinned. "I have noticed."
"He does not take well to it, nor to me. He resents me and the friendship we share."
"He never took kindly to discipline." Kirk looked down, and Spock sensed he was wondering if he should say anything further. "His feelings for me are complex. Maybe it was a mistake to have him assigned here." Kirk looked at him, and something in them told Spock that the human had made up his mind to tell him more.
Spock listened impassively. Some of it, he had gleaned from Kirk's earlier stray thoughts. It was difficult to comprehend it all. Surely, humans were the strangest beings in the galaxy. "I find this quite alien to me, Jim. Human behaviour is a mystery to me."
Kirk did not comment on that. "I just wanted you to know. If you are to command humans you must try and understand us."
"I shall try, Captain," Spock vowed. "I am honoured by your trust," he added on realising that Jim had not confided these details to anyone else.
There were some long moments of silence before Kirk continued. "I trust you completely. I've never told this to anyone else, you know," he said, confirming Spock's thought. "Since that night, I worked hard to build myself up. I guess I've always been afraid of being in another's power."
"For a human, you are strong, Jim, but it is inevitable that you will meet those who are far more powerful than you are. You cannot rely on muscle in every situation."
"True. But, at times, I need an edge. When diplomacy, bluff, everything else fails, it can get down to basics. That's why I wanted to learn Vulcan martial arts from you."
After all he had heard, Spock realised anew just how much trust Jim had in him. Afraid to be helpless and under the power of another, Jim had never feared him. Would Jim still not be afraid, if he knew how much strength Spock really had? Spock knew the answer to that. Jim had struggled with the Tzunarr discipline for weeks now. Although peeved at not yet being able to implement a throw, he had accepted it with good grace and had wholeheartedly trusted himself to Spock. Nothing would change that.
"Captain...Why?" Curiosity made him ask.
"Why am I not scared of you, someone much stronger that me? I should be, shouldn't I?" Kirk searched for an answer and seemed to find it in Spock's face. "I've never been afraid of you; even that first time you tossed me on the mat. I can't explain it. Perhaps, I knew in my heart that you are non-aggressive despite the obvious muscle power. Now, after all you've done for me, after our vow of friendship, nothing about you would frighten me even if you held me down and put a knife to my throat. I'm that sure of you, Spock."
Hopelessly confused by those words and the emotion they evoked within him, Spock tried to exert some control. "I am uncertain, when you speak so."
"It's what you get when you take me on as your friend, Spock," Kirk said, sympathy in his voice. "I can't help how I feel but I won't burden you with my emotions. It's just I feel safe with you at my side. I've never felt so confident before and have you to thank for it." He suddenly leaned forward, and stretched out his hand. "I want to feel your strength, Spock."
That took Spock by surprise. "Captain, I might break the bones in your hand!"
Kirk's tone was amused. "You don't need to go quite that far."
"Very well, Captain," Spock conceded, "but you must stop me before the pain becomes unendurable."
"Umm, yes, of course," Kirk said, "Am I just being plain stupid!"
"Possibly, sir." After a moment of hesitation, Spock gripped the outstretched hand, and steeling himself against the human's emotions. The scale of Jim's affection had escalated at an alarming rate! How was Spock to deal with it? Was he expected to return it? That was impossible. He was a Vulcan! Yet, he could not reject what was so openly given; it would be an insult to his captain. He did not think he could ever be relaxed with the other's emotions nor welcome them but endure and accept them he must. He had acknowledged Kirk, with all his human failings, as his friend. That was a responsibility he could not shirk. He had to protect, guide, defend, and yet also obey Kirk, his commanding officer. Would he ever be able to resolve all the conflicts involved in such a situation?
The pressure on Kirk's hand increased slowly, and carefully, until it felt as if he was trapped in a vice. Pain shot through his arm and he attempted to pull away, but it was impossible. "Enough," he said, finally.
There was relief in Spock's eyes, and Kirk didn't realise that Spock had absorbed all his pain. He rubbed at his reddened skin. "You're strong. Very strong indeed."
"Are you all right?" Spock asked, his voice a trifle worried.
Kirk saw his concern and smiled. He was learning to read the subtle signs with increasing accuracy. Maybe others found Spock to be cold, expressionless, and emotionless but Kirk knew different. Spock had created a mask, a front, perhaps to protect him against humans. "I'm fine." He grimaced. "McCoy's giving me a hard time about all those bruises you're giving me."
He sat back and looked around the cabin; something he'd never done before. He noted the red drapes, the weapons on the wall, the odd sculpture with glowing coals in the bedroom area. He thought it prudent not to inquire about the significance of any of it at the moment, for Spock still seemed confused about his little joke about the bruises. His glance fell on the unusual musical instrument that lay propped up against the desk. "What is that, Spock?"
Spock had not recovered from the barrage of emotions he had received during the physical contact, and struggled to keep his features calm. "It is a Vulcan lyre, Captain."
"Do you play?"
"Affirmative."
Kirk seemed surprised. "Will you play for me?" he asked.
For Spock, music was a solitary pastime. It brought him peace and consolation. He had not played for anyone for many years. He suddenly felt nervous. "I have little talent, sir."
"I have none at all," Kirk admitted. "I can act a little. I played a few leading roles at the academy drama festivals."
"Interesting. Your speech pattern does indicate dramatic training."
"You think so?"
"It is obvious, sir."
But, Kirk was not to be put off. "I love to listen to music. Will you play for me, Spock?"
"If you wish it." Spock conceded. Kirk would persist until he got his way.
He lifted the lyre, tuned it, and then placed it on his lap. He played a tune, taught to him by his father, one that human ears would not find discordant. It had been a favourite of his mother's. He recalled sitting in the garden of his home in Shikahr learning it from Sarek while his mother watched them with pride and love.
He mastered it so easily, then played it for both of them. For a moment, something had softened in his father's countenance, and that had warmed him. He had been determined to improve his musical skills and had been enrolled with a renowned teacher. He soon played with such skill that the elderly and distinguished T'Rann had almost showed emotion in his presence. He had been ten years old.
One evening, as he studied in his room, T'Rann called on his parents. He had not meant to eavesdrop but his hearing was very acute - even for a Vulcan.
"His talent is unique," T'Rann said. "He plays with his soul. It is his human blood. Human musicians have this ability to feel the music. Alas, few Vulcans have this gift."
"He is not to be a musician," Sarek told her. "His future is prepared. He will enter the science academy."
"His talent is too great. Vulcan has enough scientists and few artists."
"The decision has been made. He may continue with his lessons as long as they do not interfere with his studies."
"Think, carefully," T'Rann persisted. "Your son is musically gifted and would bring great honour to our world."
Amanda spoke for the first time. "We will consider it."
Silence fell and Spock returned to his work. He remained with T'Rann for five years but nothing more was said about a musical career and he had not dared to ask. He was a Vulcan son; his parents' decisions were final.
Jim was truly amazed by the rich sounds flowing from the lyre. Who would have thought that the cool, supposedly non-emotional Vulcan could be such a sensitive musician? He watched the long fingers sweep over the strings as expertly as they did the computer console, and his fascination with this Vulcan who had become his friend, intensified. As the last note faded, Spock placed the lyre on his desk. His fingers lingered on the ancient wood and he wondered what his captain had made of the music; if he had understood any of its meaning.
"That was beautiful, Spock. Like nothing I've ever heard before." His voice was soft and his words genuine.
"Thank you, Jim," Spock replied.
"Do you ever play with the ship's music and drama group?"
"No, sir. Until tonight, I have not played for anyone since I left Vulcan."
Kirk was astonished. "Why not?"
"I have not been asked," Spock answered, omitting to tell him that no-one on the ship knew that he played.
"If no-one knows you are a musician, Spock, how can they ask? Why have you never volunteered the information."
Spock was deeply disturbed. How had Kirk known? "Music is deeply personal to me, sir."
"You played for me."
Spock sighed. Why did Kirk always question him? "You are my friend. If you wish to hear me play then I am bound to do so."
Kirk frowned. "Surely, only if you wanted to."
"I did wish to play for you, Jim. I am honoured that it brought you..." Spock grew silent. What had it brought the human?
"Pleasure, Spock. Great pleasure. Will you play another?"
Kirk listened to the music and soaked up the sounds in a way he had not experienced for years. He felt good, within himself, and once more it was Spock's doing. He wondered, anew, at his Vulcan friend. Computer expert, mathematical genius, scientific specialist, martial arts expert, and now a gifted musician. What more was there to discover about him?
Spock found that he enjoyed playing for his captain. He sensed the other's contentment and recalled a similar reaction from T'Rann, his teacher. He finished the piece then played several other Vulcan melodies, finishing with a Terran song that was a favourite of his mother's. He noted Kirk's start of recognition and was pleased.
He placed the lyre down and looked at Jim; seeing the enjoyment on his face. Jim was truly an appreciative audience. Spock considered the human. Jim was that rare person; one whose exceptional qualities had taken him to the very pinnacle of success. In some inexplicable way they had become friends. Spock did not yet understand his bond with Kirk, nor how it had formed. He accepted, though, that this human was a kindred spirit and that they had become t'hy'la- bond-brothers in the Vulcan way. It had happened, spontaneously, as was told in the ancient tales. Spock wondered what his father, if they ever spoke again, would say. Would he recognise the bond as valid? Despite marrying Amanda, Sarek disapproved of most humans.
"That was exquisite playing," Kirk enthused. "Such a talent must be shared. Spock, will you allow me to speak to Lt Uhura? She's organising a concert."
Spock shook his head. The very thought of playing in public made him nauseous. "I would not play for anyone other than you, Jim."
Kirk persisted. "Think about it. I'd like others to appreciate your talent."
Spock tried not to weaken. "I shall consider it, Captain."
"Good," Jim replied, with a grin.
End of part one